Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
He’s an elf-made man.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
I think therefore I yam.
I pitcher us together forever.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
You’re my heartthrob.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
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