Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.