The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
You are aged to perfection.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
They say everything gets better with age.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
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