Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
You feta have a gouda birthday.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
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