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i'm one are you one two Jokes

i'm one are you one two Jokes and more.

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How Could You Afford That?

Three politicians become friends after meeting each other at functions. One is from America, the second from Russia and the third from Brazil. The American politician decides to invite the two others to his home. When they get there, the first thing he shows them is his Rolls-Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" he asks them. "Hmm, yes it is" they both admit. "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the American points in a direction. "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets." The other two smile and nod in understanding. A few weeks later, the Russian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for a party. When they arrive, the two were surprised at how grand it was - it was a regal-looking mansion. They ask the Russian politician, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The Russian takes them outside, points in a direction and says: "You see that huge bridge over there? I used inferior materials and got 20% of the costs stashed in my personal account." The other two are impressed. A few weeks later, the Brazilian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for dinner. When they arrive, the two are astonished to see a palatial mansion with a fleet of cars on the front driveway. "How the heck did you get the money to get all THIS?" asked the Russian. "Do you see that bridge over there?" pointed the Brazilian politician. "No," said both, squinting in that direction. "Exactly."

Funny Headlines

Can You Keep an Eye On My Car?

A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city's other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack. As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk. He said to him: "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?" "Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

Heart Puns

Two Blondes and a Car

Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car. The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?" The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in." The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?" The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger." The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."

Pear Puns

Two College Students and a Beggar

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money. Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on. Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity. "Why the hell did you do that? You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!" Desmond laughs: "What...and we weren't?"

What Size Will You Be Going For?

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a "small," $6,500 for a "medium," and $14,000 for a "large." Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least a medium... and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Christmas Puns

You Can't Take It With You.

An old miser was close to dying. Due to his terrible cheapness, he had no friends nor family. Just before he died, he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed. "I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in." Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave." The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed. The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount."

The Loyal Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China. The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know." Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer." Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes. Xi turns to the governor with a smile. But he does not look convinced. Xi asks the farmer: "if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?" Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor then asks if he may asks a question. Xi agrees. Governor: "if you had two cows, would you give one to the government." Farmer: "No. Never. Please don't ask me that." Xi is confused: "But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?" Farmer: "I actually HAVE two cows."

Chuck Norris Jokes

Tree Puns

Did You Know That Americans Eat Dogs?

Decades ago, two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"

Did You Get Drunk?

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" He asked, surprised. "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Pea Puns

Marriage Puns

Music Puns

Snake Puns

How Many Times Must You "Fall"?

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

Closet Puns

Hockey Pick Up Lines

Milk Puns

What kind of Animal Are You?

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!" Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him. When he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a politician!"

Two Blondes Are Better Than One

Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low on gas, so she stopped at the gas station. While she was pumping her gas, she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car. When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat hanger so she could attempt to open the door herself. She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring. The blonde outside of the car was moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

Funny Animal Quotes

Two Sides of the Story

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Anti Jokes

I KNEW You Were Drunk

I got pulled over earlier today... Cop: “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.” Me: “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.” Cop: “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?” Me: “A car..?” Cop: “Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?” Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know.” Cop: “Just as I suspected, you’ve been drinking.” Me: “But sir, I didn’t drink anything.” Cop: “Okay, then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?” Me: “A motorcycle.” Cop: “Well DUH. I meant... is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?” Me: “I have no idea!” Cop: “Go figure, you’re intoxicated.” Me: “Okay, then let me ask you this. You’re driving on the highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, high heals, and a bra for a top. What would you call her?” Cop: “A hooker of course.” Me: “Yes of course, but is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?” Long story short... things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

Fly Puns

Two Sisters and a Ranch

Many years ago there were two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, who inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."

I've Got a Surprise for You!

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort. They went to the theater and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value! And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

If You Can't Count On Family

Joshua calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is a holiday. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the holiday meal. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Joshua receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there!" Joshua promises. After hanging up from his daughter, he turns to his wife and says, "You were right! They're coming, and we don't even have to pay our half of the tickets!"

Math Puns

Why Are You Naked?!

A man was having an affair with a married woman for quite some time. One day, her husband comes home early from work. The wife hears him come in, jumps up and tells her lover to go into the bathroom and hide. The moment he dives into the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in. He stops in surprise at seeing his wife stark naked. ''What the hell are you doing?'' Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.'' The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.'' Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.'' The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!'' The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping. The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?'' He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.'' The other man looks at him and says, ''But... you're naked.'' The lover looks down, jumps in surprise and shouts, ''Them little bastards!''

What Are You Waiting For?

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife... He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" "The TEETH!"

Well, If You Ask...

Michael's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Michael replied... "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying: "WHOA, hold on there sweetie... I haven't added them up yet!" P.S - Please let us know if you've seen him, we're very worried.

One Small Mistake

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. 'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!' His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: "The word was... the word was... c e l e b r a t e!"

Science Pick Up Lines

Two Men With Black Eyes

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fat, evil hag'."

Who On Earth Are You, Then?

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Puns

Science Puns

One Last Wish

Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife: "Honey, I'm almost out of time and there's something I'd like you to do for me when I'm gone." She nodded her head and said, "You can count on me. Anything you ask, I'll make sure it's done." "I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob," he said, his voice filled with emotion. Astonished, his wife replied, "Jacob? But I thought you couldn't stand him!" He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered, "That's precisely why..."

You May Be Old If...

You may be getting older if... When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!” When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot. When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along. When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today. When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot. And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!

Witty Horoscope Quotes

What Would You Do for 5000 Dollars?

2 couples were playing a round of poker one summer night, when one of the husbands, Bob, accidentally dropped a few of his chips on the floor. As he bent down to retrieve them, he couldn't help but notice that Jay's wife Kate was touching him with her foot in a very obvious way. Later, Bob went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Kate followed him and asked, "Do you like what you see?" Surprised by her boldness, Bob courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $10,000." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bob indicated that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Jay, works Friday afternoons and Bob doesn't, that Bob should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon. When Friday rolls around, Bob shows up at Jay's house to make love to Jay's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $10,000.00, they go to her bedroom and have a great time, just as Kate had promised. Afterwards, Bob quickly dresses and leaves. As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Jay returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Bob come by with my money?" With a lump in her throat, his wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Jay curtly asked, "And did he give you $10,000.00?" In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me a ten thousand dollars." Jay, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Kate by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Bob came by my office last night and borrowed 10 thousand dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Pick Up Lines

Weather Puns

Worm Puns

Two Nuns Shop For Some Beer

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. “The curlers are on me.”

That's What You Get For Speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner. The guy looked really down, so to cheer him up a bit he said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," came the gloomy answer from the cell. "I'm the groom."

Water Puns

You Sure That's What You Want?

A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No - think of another wish." The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

Jesus is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him. It was growling. "The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." said the parrot.

One Liners for Kids

What You Get For Smoking

A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking. One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.” Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did. His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept. A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes. After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife. “You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey - after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”

Why Are YOU Here?

Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad. The three men broke into a conversation. Eventually, they started talking about their jobs, and why they were at the beach. "I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All day long I toil in the hot, hot sun, and do so wearing very heavy clothes. It's quite exhausting. But here, I can relax, and do so without any clothing at all." "I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same." The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What about you?" they asked. "Why are you here?" "My doctor sent me here," said the third man. "I'm a pickpocket."

Did You... Eat Them?

A large corporation hires a Tribe of ex-cannibals. As they accept them they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody!" Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office and says: "One of the employees has been missing for several days now. This is awkward to ask, but... did you EAT them?" The chief of the Tribe checks with his people and says: "No sir, we have not eaten anybody. We have left that all behind us." The CEO remains unconvinced, but without evidence there is nothing he can do. He apologizes for the suspicion and sends them back to work. Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his people and asks: "Okay, which one of you idiots did it?" A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hand and admits: "I ate the cleaning lady." Enraged, the chief slaps the man and yells: "You fool! We've been eating department heads, marketing executives and efficiency consultants for weeks and nobody noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone they'll miss!"

Parrot Puns

Two Different Perspectives...

WOMAN’S DIARY 28 July, Saturday 'Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him. I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep. I think he’s planning to leave me. Maybe he’s found someone else...' - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – MAN’S DIARY Saturday 28 July 'My team lost today. What a bummer. At least I got some s*x!'

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

Snow Puns

Clever Jokes

Are You Sure You Have Enough?

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist. The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Monster Puns

Is It Because I'm Blond?

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Ah, yes, very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No dear, it's because you're 24."

Mango Puns

Quotes

Two Nerds and a Racing Bike

Two nerdy male students meet on campus one day. One of them notices that the other is on a shiny new racing bike. He calls out to the other: "Hey -- nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

What You Wished For

Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink. Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25 year duration. The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. "Might as well pass the time drunk." He said. The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. "Might as well have her lovely company." said he, and the loving wife agreed. The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. "It's the only thing that will calm me down all these years." They are locked inside, each with his wish. 25 years pass... It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men. They open the first prisoner's door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He himself in a corner, wasted and hardly alive. Then they open the second prisoner's door, and a whole family steps out - babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell. Then they open the third prisoner's door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand. "Does anyone," he asks with a broken voice, "have a light?"

Cactus Puns

Two Eskimos and a Kayak

Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft. His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored. Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the cold water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle. "Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what did you do that for?!?" "Because, you idiot," said the second Eskimo, "Don't you know that you can't have your kayak and heat it too??"

Car puns

The Angel and the Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them. "That I'm going to give you a special gift..." "I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two beautiful figures approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches... The angel, as pure as he was, couldn't hold a somewhat-less-than-holy curiosity, so he crept close and peeked beyond the bushes. He saw the two of them standing strangely, holding a pigeon. Grinning widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said: "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll do my business on its head."

How Lucky Can One Gal Get?

My wife comes in with a brand new bag, looked expensive. Me: "Honey I see you got a new Gucci bag, where'd you get it?" Wife: "My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings." *next day wife comes home with new, fancy sunglasses. Me: "Wow those are elegant sunglasses you have on today. Where did you get them?" Wife: "My boss and I spent some of our leftover winnings on another ticket and won again! Used my half of the winnings to treat myself again." *the 3rd day wife drives home in new Ferrari Me: "Let me guess...you and your boss won the lottery again?" Wife: "Yes!! Isn't our luck just so unbelievable right now?? All of this winning has wiped me out mentally. Could you do me a huge favor and fill the bath for me so I can relax?" Me: "Anything for you, dear." *Wife comes up to see the bathtub filled with only an inch or two of water. Wife: "Honey how is this gonna work... You need to fill it with way more water than this." Me: "We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet now do we?"

One Good Deed...

A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates to heaven. In front of them, stands a guardian angel. As the man approaches, the angel greets him and warns him it is not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the fellow religious in life? No? The guardian angel told him that's bad. Was he generous? Gave money to the poor? Charities? No? The guardian angel told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? The guardian angel was becoming concerned. Exasperated, the angel says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet, and went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". "Wow", said the angel, "That's actually very impressive. When did this happen"? "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Two Priests on Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blond, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father - Good morning Father,” and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?” “Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”

What's Written On This One!?

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna" The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. "By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!"

Literary Pick Up Lines

Christian Pick Up Lines

Two Women Have a Drunken Night Out

Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them. The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded, "You're lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: "We will never forget you!"

Camel Puns

You Can Stop That Now

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for Cats, which was making its long-anticipated return to Broadway. Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands kneading into his back. Startled by this blatant intrusion of personal space, he turned around to find out that it was a complete stranger standing in line behind him doing the kneading. Giving the stranger a stern look, the kneading stopped for a few minutes, but he felt hands working on his back again soon enough. "Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back, and what on earth makes you think you have the right to do so without asking me first?" "Oh, I’m so sorry… I'm a chiropractor you see," the man replied, "and sometimes I just can't keep myself from practicing my skills." "Well, you should really get a hold of yourself – it’s not appropriate to be touching the backs of random men without their permission," the lawyer shot back. "In fact, I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing just any old guy in front of me, do you!?"

Not One to Be Outdone

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him in bewilderment. "It appears that you've got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there," pointed the amused American. "Well, of course." The Irishman was quick to respond. "I must be getting a fax."

Two Cannibals Look For Food

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Ant Puns

Blond Jokes

Two Boys See a Naked Woman

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises. He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam. So, both boys decided to stay and watch her. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away. The second boy said to his friend, "My mum told me that if I ever saw a naked lady, I’d turn to stone.” "I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Funny Tongue Twisters

Crocodile Puns

Can You Say Daddy?

Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "No. Say daddy." Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "Crap! Say daddy!" Baby: "Crap!" Dad: "What did you say?" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "I'm home!" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "What? Where did you hear that?" Baby: "Daddy."

Rain Puns

Is That You?

Wife and husband are sitting together sipping wine and watching a movie. The Wife suddenly whispers: "I Love You..." Husband: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Wife: "It's me, talking to the wine."

Deodorant Puns

A Bar, An Empty Glass and Two Audacious Bets

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “You see that glass at the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 that I can pee in it from over here.” The barman agrees to the bet, so the man begins to urinate all over the bar, its patrons and even the barman himself – basically everywhere except in the glass. “Ha!” says the barman. “You owe me $100!” “Wait here,” the man replies, and he walks over to the pool table. Someone hands him some money and they have a laugh together. The man walks back over to the barman and hands him $100. “Thanks,” the barman says, “but what were you laughing about with that dude over there?” The man replies: “Oh, nothing. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”

Computer Jokes

Will You Walk Me Through the Cemetery?

This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?" "Sure." I said, being the gentleman I am. As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it. What has come of this world, when a man won't give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place. "Thank God you're not like that." She smiled at me. "I suppose it's silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age." I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive."

Funny Running Quotes

Which One Do You Save?

A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo. Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?" The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!" A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?" The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you." The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?" Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"

Truck Puns

His One Request

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops. Its WWI, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers. He goes up to the first man and says: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies: "sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful." The general asks him: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man. The general approaches the second man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: "Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave." The general laughs and says: "It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man. The general approaches the third man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier tells him: "sir, I got strep throat in the trenches." The general asks: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" "Actually sir, there is one thing..." Said the soldier. "I'd like to be the first one to use the brush."

Romantic Pick Up Lines

It's Going to Cost You...

One day, while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father, this place is great, but there is one thing missing," he said. "What is that my son?" God asked. "Well, it would be nice to have a mate: I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animals have mates but me. All I'm asking for is: a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who likes making love like I do, never has a headache, will cook, clean and be at my beck and call morning, noon and night," pleaded Adam. "Wow, that's a tall order, though perhaps I have just such a creature in mind. But," said the Lord, "it's going to cost you big time." "Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam "An arm and a leg," replied God. Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked: "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

I'm Gonna Get Some Work Done

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck - you name it, she had it. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation when she is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" "Oh, " Said God. "I didn't recognize you."

Two Old Ladies and a Flower Show

Two little old ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said: “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!” “You're on!” said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill. So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked through the front door. Her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd. “What happened?” asked Evelyn. “I won $1,000 as first prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'...”

Shower Puns

One Liners and Short Jokes

You Better Not Laugh...

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor. "In front of you?" He asks shyly. The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen a naked human body before. The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body." "Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.” "Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth, it was almost identical to an AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's private parts, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.

Why Do You Keep Doing It?

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”

Funny Parenting Quotes