Witty Horoscope QuotesJoke Generator

The stars have guided you to the wittiest horoscope quotes online! Find the ones about your sign...

“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
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