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directions for a masstoilet mistaken for church Jokes

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Arm Puns

Quotes

Making a Point

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that fact. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. "I'm great!" She replies. "What are you doing?" "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are stupid. So I painted the house!" "That's wonderful, honey. Thank you!" He beams. "Just one question, though, "why are you wearing your ski jacket over your fur coat?" "Well, I wanted to be thorough, and the directions on the paint can say: "For best results, put on two coats.""

The Crosses

In a land far, far away, there was a Christian parish that had many attendees. There was a priest who was part of it that used to give out miniature palm crosses that he made by hand. One Sunday, he announced that he would be giving them out. The congregation in the church that day reacted with glee. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching." When the parishioners were leaving the church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."

The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he brings a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and places them on the counter. Dumbfounded, she says, "Sir, I don't want to be nosy and feel free not to answer me... but thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife. You don't seem to have any and you bought some other, seemingly random things. What gives?" He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because "it's sooooooo much cheaper". So, I figure if I have to roll my own - so does she."

The Cat Navigator

There was a man who couldn't stand his wife's cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house. He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened. The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. 'This is impossible,' said the man to himself, 'tomorrow I'll make sure he can't come back!' The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn - right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home. A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It's the husband, and he asks: "Is the cat there?" "Why, yes." says the wife, "he's been here quite a while, where are you?" "Put that bastard on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

Christian Puns

The Time Keeper's Problem

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon. When it's almost noon she looks at her watch and right when it strikes 12pm she blows the whistle. One day she bumps her watch against something and she fears that it is a little off. Wanting to make sure that she can do her job correctly she decides to go get her watch set by a professional clock maker. The woman goes to the shop and has the clock maker set her watch to the correct time. She tells the clock maker what she does for a living and that it is important that her watch keeps correct time. The clock maker tells her that she needn't worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they're on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am. The woman leaves the shop satisfied... but starts to ask herself... "How does the church know exactly when it is 6am?" So she goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time. The bell ringer tells her that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am. "I'm sure my watch is accurate." He reassures her. "I check it every day at noon when the factory goes on break."

Language Pick Up Lines

My Son the Veterinarian

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" "In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

Last Weeks of Life

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everyone shook their heads in agreement with this comment. Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives." "Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction." "That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks." Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?" "Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life."

Stove Puns

The Priests, the Car and the Warning

Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church. As they see the car they wave their hands and point at a sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!" The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away! Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash! One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"

Physics Pick Up Lines

Nuts Puns

Bed Puns

Wet On His Wedding Day

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, both the bride and groom were curious as to what a contemporary service entailed. They weren’t sure, so they promptly asked the pastor. “Oh there aren’t many differences at all – just a few minor details,” replied the pastor. The couple preferred the sound of a contemporary wedding over a traditional one, so they decided to go ahead with it. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. Upon seeing the groom, the pastor promptly told him: "Pull down your pants," "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

Koala Puns

So Long, Preacher

A priest is told by the bishop he is being moved to a new parish The priest tells the congregation the news and after the service a woman comes up to him crying: "This is terrible news father, just terrible. You can't leave us. Refuse the move, tell the bishop to find someone else for the other church." The priest puts his arm on the woman's shoulder and says "I realize this is difficult news for you Mrs. Johnson, but who knows? Maybe the next priest for this parish will be even better than me." "Oh sure," Mrs. Johnson says in hysterics. "That's what they told us the last time!"

The Preacher and the Jackass

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher asked the Lord to direct his response. He said: "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

Three Prosperous Sons Return Home to Mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother." The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!" "David," she said, "you were the only one who sent me a good gift, that chicken was delicious!"

The Old Fire Truck

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

Giving the Lord His Share

There once were two very successful thieves. They had a knack for finding unguarded entries to rich houses and robbing them of their gold.They were both, however, devout Catholics, and they knew the 10 commandments. So after deliberating the issue, they decided to go to the church with their loot to confess their sins to the Lord. After staring at the grim, seemingly judging faces of the saints surrounding them in the church, they further decided to offer some part of the gold they robbed to the church to wash away their wrongdoings. The only problem was they couldn't decide how much to offer. The first one thinks for a minute, then draws a foot long circle on the floor. He lifts his face up and says, "Oh lord, I'll throw all my loot into the air, whatever lands inside the circle is yours and what little is left outside I'll keep for myself." Saying this he threw all his loot up in the air. As it came down almost all of the gold fell outside the circle except for a few coins. He praises the Lord for his generosity and collects his share while smiling. The second one steps back and thinks hard. He lets out a deep sigh and says, "Oh lord! Forgive me for my sins. I won't make you pick up your share from the floor like my friend. I'll throw up all my loot towards you in the heavens. Please keep whatever you want and just throw back on to this earth whatever you think I deserve."

A Priest and a Rabbi Buy a Car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw. “And what on Earth do you intend to do with that?!?” the priest asked. “I’ve decided that I want to bless the car as well.” the rabbi replied. He promptly walked over to the back of the car and sawed two inches off the tailpipe.

Music Puns

The Widow and the $30,000 Funeral

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."

How Many Lawyers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, step-stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”

Spouse Puns

Physics Puns

Mother Puns

Don't Mess With Believers, Okay?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks, breathing hard. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

When it Rains...

A man goes into the confession booth at church. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my son?" Asks the priest. "Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn't let up. After some time me and the librarian lost our patience and... well.. partied all night, if you catch my drift." "That is bad but not horrible, my son," Said the priest, "if it is a one-time slip, God will forgive you." "That's just the thing," said the man, "about a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and... well.. you know, all night long." The priest remains silent. The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, "What should I do now, father?" "What should you DO??" Screamed the priest, "You should get out of here right now before it rains!"

Crocodile Puns

Art Puns

Rainbow Puns

Pumpkin Puns

How I Became a Millionaire

It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick, the wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation. The preacher wasn't surprised at this. "Just make it quick, Rick." He sighs. "Sure Father." Said Rick. He cleared his throat and addressed the audience: "I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar," he began. "That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts. At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker's cause or keep it for myself. "I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today." he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye. "Oh yea?" an old woman in the audience stood up, "I dare you to do it again!"

Camel Puns

How Could You Afford That?

Three politicians become friends after meeting each other at functions. One is from America, the second from Russia and the third from Brazil. The American politician decides to invite the two others to his home. When they get there, the first thing he shows them is his Rolls-Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" he asks them. "Hmm, yes it is" they both admit. "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the American points in a direction. "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets." The other two smile and nod in understanding. A few weeks later, the Russian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for a party. When they arrive, the two were surprised at how grand it was - it was a regal-looking mansion. They ask the Russian politician, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The Russian takes them outside, points in a direction and says: "You see that huge bridge over there? I used inferior materials and got 20% of the costs stashed in my personal account." The other two are impressed. A few weeks later, the Brazilian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for dinner. When they arrive, the two are astonished to see a palatial mansion with a fleet of cars on the front driveway. "How the heck did you get the money to get all THIS?" asked the Russian. "Do you see that bridge over there?" pointed the Brazilian politician. "No," said both, squinting in that direction. "Exactly."

Don't Take Your Wife to Town

After 20 years of marriage, a wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. She figures there's no harm in it if she's there with him, after all. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a glass of red wine. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink that?" "She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Darn, Dave, looks like you picked an angry one tonight."

Music Jokes

Volleyball Puns

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

The Drunk Man and the Fairground Booth

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him a consolation prize instead, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bull's eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes Sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware." "I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those crusty meat pies."

Soap Puns

Father, It's About My Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years. When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in - maybe they'll do something for your pet." Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?" "Wait, wait..." said the Priest hurriedly, "you didn't tell me the dog was Catholic!"

A Closeted Conundrum

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work... Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Fine, fine, just be quiet." A few weeks later the husband arrives early again. The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time. He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him. "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover sighs. "How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest sighs, "Please don't you start that again."

A Quarter in Heaven

A quarter dies and goes to heaven. At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity. The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also rises to heaven but their doesn't appear to be anyone. He pushed the gate open by himself but behind it is nobody but one angel playing on his phone. The one hundred dollar bill asks for his cloud but is given a little filthy grey rainy cloud. As he tries to make himself comfortable in which is doesn't succeed, he sees the quarter on his right partying with all the angels at his enormous white cloud. Upset he goes to God himself to complain. "Why does the quarter get the best cloud while I get this stormy trash? I'm more valuable, right?", asks the one hundred dollar bill. But God responds: yeah, but you we didn't see that much in church.

Christian Pick Up Lines

Bus Puns

Skeleton Puns

Lettuce Puns

There's a New Doc in Town...

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

The Stingy Lawyer & the Pillowcases

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove the saying about money, “you can't take it with you", wrong. After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. Then, he directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was to reach out and grab the bags when he was ascending to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Just Get Lost, Will You!?

A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door. He says: "Wow, it's dark here!" You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room. The man asks, "What do you want? Here's $10. Leave us alone." A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!" "Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." The boy goes out with $20. The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself." So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!". To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"

State of Education

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this. We will get three quotations and fix the darn wall!"

IT vs. Management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in IT," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Monster Puns

The Newlyweds and the Can of Paint

Three couples went to visit the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without making love for two months and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two months went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was a bit tough the first month but then it was not a problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until the woman dropped a can of paint. "A can of PAINT??!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed husband. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust just took over." The minister just shook his head and said: "You two sinners are not welcome in my church!" "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."

Break it Up, People!

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.' No-one moved, so he resorted to the loudspeaker. 'Let's get off the corner!' it boomed. Still, no-one seemed to take any notice. 'Alright folks, if you don't move after I count to three, I'm breaking out my baton!' the rookie cried. Intimidated, the group of people began to leave in a hurry, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?' 'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since this is a bus stop.'

Theater Puns

Reminded of Her Youth

A bored minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "S*x!" The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

A Pope in Heaven

Some decades ago, the Pope had died and arrived at Heaven's Gate. Sitting there, he spots St. Peter and waves at him. The bemused St. Peter asked who he was. The Pope excitedly exclaimed he was the representative of God on Earth. St. Peter seemed confused, as he had seemingly never heard of such a thing before. When the Pope clarified he was the leader of the Catholic Church, St. Peter was intrigued. He decided to take the query to God Himself, walking away to talk with Him through Heaven's Gate. He asks him the same question: was there really someone claiming he was God's representative on Earth? God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (He yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Father, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes, St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

Giving God Advice

One day an old man wrote a letter to God and tied the letter to a tree outside a church. The priest came and took down the letter. It read "Please God, I'm a poor man, please send me $100,000 so I can pay my debts and live peacefully". Being a kind priest, he took donations around town for the old man and raised $5,000. He put it in an envelope and wrote on it "From God" and left it next to the tree when he saw the old man come visit again. The next day, the old man came back and tied another letter to the tree. The priest then came and took down the letter and read it excitedly. "Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. Next time, please send it to me directly as the priest can't be trusted, can you believe he took $95,000 of the money!"

Mango Puns

It Only Takes a Sermon

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to an entire sermon on the Ten Commandments. After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it." "You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" the preacher asked. "No, the one about adultery did," the old man said. "As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat."

The Texas Farmer

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town to see if he could track down some of his kin. After landing in Dublin, and driving an hour outside of the city, he stopped in a pub to grab a drink and start asking around about his family. The Texan sat down, ordered a pint, and started talking to the Irishman sitting at the bar. After explaining his story and the purpose of the trip, the Irishman responded, “You don’t say! I’ve never heard of your family, but I’m a farmer as well. Tell me, what’s it like farming in Texas?” “Gladly,” the Texan said, “farming in Texas has been quite lucrative for me. If you started out in the morning, and drove west, you could drive all day before you reached the end of my property. And if you started the next day and drove East all day, you wouldn’t reach the end of my property. Same thing North and South, you could drive either direction all day and you wouldn’t reach the end of my farmland.” “Ahh, I know what you mean,” said the Irishman, “I’ve got a tractor like that as well.”

Chuck Norris Jokes

The Case of the Town's Gossip

Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business. Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal. She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Sam, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoon. She emphatically told Sam and several others of the congregation that by seeing his car there, everyone would know exactly what he was doing. Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house...and left it there all night.

Anti Pick Up Lines

Pig Puns

Truck Puns

Hue and the Friars

The church in my town fell on hard times recently. There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local florist comes to the church in a huff. "Please," he begs of the friars, "you must stop selling flowers! Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, so nobody comes to my business! I'll be ruined if you keep this up." "We're sorry," the friars tell him, "but the doors of Hod's temple must remain open, and for that we need money." Tony leaves the church, even more upset. He goes to his neighbors asking if they'll help him boycott, but they're all too afraid to speak out. lawyer, seeing if he can solve this legally, but the lawyer won't dare try and sue the church. He even goes to the governor, but he gets told the Church isn't doing anything wrong. The week rolls by, and the friars grow more successful as Tony gets closer to broke. Finally, in desperation, he hires the meanest, maddest, most nasty man in town, Hue, and sends him after the friars. Hue scares all the friars, smashes all their tables, rips up the garden beds, and even pisses all over the remaining flowers. The next day, the Friars are no longer selling flowers, and Tony is back in business. In the end, it seems the saying is true: Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.

Werewolf Puns

Yeti/ Bigfoot Puns

Peach Puns

The State of the Modern Church

What Churches might be soon this 2020 and beyond: PASTOR: Praise the Lord. CONGREGATION: Hallelujah! PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker. CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all. CONGREGATION: Amen!

Jack Paints the Inside of the Church

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine. Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

The Young Priest's Ideas

An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: "And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. "Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”

One Small Mistake

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. 'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!' His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: "The word was... the word was... c e l e b r a t e!"

What Do You Call a Bird...

What bird can do more that others? A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum? A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling. What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker. What bird works in construction? A Crane. What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper. What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker. What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader. What bird just got arrested? A Robin. What bird goes to church? A Cardinal. What is a man's favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco. What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove. What bird can't walk straight? A warbler. What bird parties the most? A Raven!

The Priest and the Police Officer

An Irish priest is driving home from a night at his favorite bar. A police officer notices a car swerving all over the road and proceeds to pursue. The Irishman pulls over and the cop makes his way to the driver. Checking the vehicle and noticing bottles all over the floorboard, the policeman asks, "Have you been drinking?" "I don't know what you're on about, officer. I had just only left church after giving praise to the lord for his many blessings and miracles," said the priest. The policeman frowned, "Well then, what's in the bottles?" "Water", the priest replied. The policeman reached in and grabbing a bottle, opened the top and was quickly overcame with the smell. "This is wine!" The priest then promptly shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD, HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

Funny Animal Quotes

The Most Dangerous Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large church in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago." He cried out. “Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us think about the germs in our drinking water!" He stops dramatically and gives them all a long look. “However, there is one food that is the riskiest of all - and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what risky product I'm referring to?” A hand shoots up. “Yes you, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head, wiped away a tear and said: "Wedding cake."

Jokes For Women

Squirrels in the Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

Bible Puns

Christian Quotes

The Remakrable Native American

150 years ago, two cowboys come upon a Native American lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Injun?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Native American looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon! Remarkable! How do you do it?!?" The Native looks up weakly and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Mr. Moneybags

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

The Secret Box

An elderly pastor was searching in his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted to having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar."

It's Wise to Listen to Directions...

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?' 'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' 'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says, here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!' The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things' 'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.' As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the darn tequila?' He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... But he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds. Then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body. He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?' The moral of the story? Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

A Little Girl Feels Sick at Church

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl. "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother. After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked. "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." Smiled her little girl proudly. "They have a box next to the front door that says: 'For the Sick.'"

Bacon Puns

Greek vs. Italian

Two old men are arguing about history and the splendors of Athens and Rome. the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!" The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!" The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!" The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!" The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!" The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!" The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED lovemaking!" The Italian man stops a moment to think, then says "That may be true, but WE introduced it to women!"

The Special Seminar

At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary? Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."

Classic Pick Up Lines

Turkey Puns

Romantic Pick Up Lines

Band Puns

The Three Huts

A ship, sailing past a desert island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts. “What’s the first hut for?” he asks. “That’s my house,” says the castaway. “What’s the second hut for?” “That’s my church.” “And the third hut?” “Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to.”

Animal Puns

The "Big" News

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enraptured congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum." The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new. A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I." Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."

The New Confessional

Michael Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Sighing, thinking about his many sins, he gets into the church. Spotting there is no line at the confessional, he pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. Shocked, he realizes here’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. On the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me." Says Murphy. "I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that this place is much better than it used to be!" The priest freezes and stares at him. “Get out, you idiot. You’re on MY side!"

Blonde Jokes

The Preacher's Paycheck

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."

Halloween Puns

The Difference a Letter Makes

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the screen, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen of her tablet: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. - Sure is HOT down here!"

Math Pick Up Lines