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100 Jokes

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Pick Up Lines

The Geography of Men and Women

They say about women that... Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still, a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all-conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like France. She has been through war, and vowed never again. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN: Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.

The Married Man and the Cabbie

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted: "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "what would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his a** up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Beaver Puns

Ant Puns

The Chainsaw and the Troublesome Customer

A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!". The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option: this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!" The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!". The employee apologizes: "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!". Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!" The employee says "ok sir, let me have a look at the saw." So the employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole shop. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks "What the hell is that sound?!?"

God's Conversation With a Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy and am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. "Blone jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

The Arrogant Professor

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man. Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?” The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?” The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior. To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him. “If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!” “No.” “Five dollars!” “No.” “Ten dollars!” “I told you, no.” Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!” The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees. “Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose. The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?” The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description. After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. Grumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100. He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?” The old man smiles and says: “I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar."

This Englishman's Wishes

An Englishman, a German, and a Frenchman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for this terrible crime they were all sentenced to 50 whip lashes each. On the day of their punishment the Sheikh who was going to whip them announced: "It's my wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 20 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 35 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly. The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a part of the world I really like. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 50, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. Would you like pillows as well?" The Englishman smiled and said, "Nah, just tie the Frenchman and the German to my back."

The Important Driver

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?" "A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!" "You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?" The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver - what if he got into an accident? On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn't say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let his Holiness get behind the wheel. To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine's rear tires and speeds up like a maniac! After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately. The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer. The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine's window, then hurriedly steps back in. His sergeant got this call: Cop: "Sir, I have a problem." Sergeant: "What kind of problem?" Cop: "Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he's someone really important." Sergeant: "Important like... the mayor?" Cop: "No, no - a lot more important than that." Sergeant: "Important like... the governor?" Cop: "Way more important than that, Sarge." Sergeant: "Important like... the President?" Cop: "Even more important than him." Sergeant: "Who's more important than the President???" Cop (sounding scared): "I don't know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"

What's Got You Down Pal?

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”

Anti Jokes

Family Puns

Goat Puns

A Man Buys a Pig on a Farm

An American man was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."

Dad Puns

How to Test Candidates

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements?" Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation: If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And... If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Top Management."

25 Years For Being Lazy

In a prison in China, prisoners are discussing who's in for what and for how long. "Hey, Zhang- what are you in for?" Zhang: "Strangled my wife's lover to death. Got 15 years. How about you, Wei?" Wei: "I got 10 years for robbery and stabbing. What about you, Wang?" Wang: "I got 5 years for attempted rape. What about you, Liu?" Liu: "25 years for being lazy." All the other prisoners: "WHAT?! HOW?" Liu sighs. "Well, my neighbor and I were playing Go and after few shots of wine, started telling jokes about Jinping and the government. After my neighbor left, I thought to myself: "I should go to the government and report him". But it was late and I was tired, so I decided to go just wait until the morning and went to sleep. My neighbor, on the other hand, wasn't as lazy..."

I Was Going to Tell a Joke, But...

I'd tell you a confidence joke but I'm insecure I'd tell a war joke but I'm afraid it would bomb I'd tell an enema joke but you couldn't hold it in I'd tell a flogger joke but it doesn't have much impact. I'd tell a bondage joke but it's too restrictive. I'd tell you an underground railroad joke but you'd run away. I'd tell a monotone joke but it doesn't have any range I'd tell a hanging joke but I always choke \I'd tell you a constipation joke, but it's full of... well, you know. I'd tell a Wesley Snipes tax joke but it's too evasive I'd tell a big ass joke but it's too much to grasp I'd tell an amputee joke but I don't have a leg to stand on I'd tell a cyber-security joke but you couldn't hack it I'd tell a joke about a joke but it'd be recursive I'd tell a pot joke but it's half baked I'd tell a small penis joke but there's not enough there I'd tell a gay joke but I'm not sure I could tell it straight I'd tell a porky pig joke but tha..tha..that's all folks!

Dividing Dad's Buildings

A very sick man is lying in bed. He realizes he doesn't have much time left, so he asks his nurse to bring his wife, daughter, and both sons to him, as well as witnesses and a camera to record his last wishes. When all are assembled, their eyes misty and their faces drawn, he begins to speak. "My son, Sam, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses." "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier." "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound. The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says: "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property." The wife just grunts. "The a**hole has a paper route".

Let Me Take a Picture!

The protagonists of this joke are a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed. "Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband. "I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds. "But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband. The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel. "Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife. The husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera. "What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband. The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it ENLARGED."

The Blind Guy at the Bar

A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” “Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Polish Short Jokes

A Polish woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night. "What happened?" The husband asks worriedly. "Nothing..." said his wife, "I just don't understand how you can sleep with such a small salary." * * * A Polish father tell his daughter: "My darling, don't merry this man. He's crippled, ugly and an orphan." The daughter, surprised and angry, tells him: "I only care about love, daddy, I don't care about his looks or his background." Her father says to her: "I'm not talking about that. Don't you think he's suffered enough?" * * * A polish man goes to the doctor and complains: "Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!" The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor. The man breaths in relief. "Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!" * * * Two Polish husbands are talking. One says: "My best friend, Jimmy, ran away with my wife." The second asks: "Is he still your best friend?" "Not since he brought her back." * * * A Polish husband says to his friend: "Don't ask, my parrot died." The friend: "Of old age?" "No, of frustration. Since I got married he hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise." * * * A Polish mother asks her daughter: "I understand you've been having some disagreements with your fiance' about the wedding?" The daughter: "Just small things, like I want a white dress and he doesn't want to get married." * * * "Will you cry at my funeral?" Asks a Polish husband his wife. "Sure," answers the wife, "you know I cry over the silliest things."

The Rabbi, the Horse and the Hat

On a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along when a strong gust of wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after the hat, but the wind was too strong. It kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened, ran after the hat, caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful that he gave the young man 20 dollars and blessed him. The young man was so excited that he decided to go the race track and with the rabbi's blessing, he decided to check the program and place the entire 20 dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and recounted his very exciting day to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire 20 dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won!" "In the next race, there was a horse named 'Bowler' at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess what ... I won again!" "So did you bring the money home?" asked his father. "No," said the son, "I lost it all on the last race. There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favorite so I bet everything on him, and since 'Chateau' means 'hat' in French I figured he was a sure thing." "You fool!" said the father. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not 'chateau!'" Sighing to himself, the father then asked, "So who did win the race?" "A real long shot," said the son. "Some Spanish horse named 'Sombrero'."

AC Unit Puns

The Famous Grandfather

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much... But he would be 165 years old."

Mouth Puns

Medical Puns

There's No Joke Like a Senior Joke!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over. -------------------------- I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'! -------------------------- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. -------------------------- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat until the wrinkles fill out. -------------------------- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license! -------------------------- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''

Math Puns

Leg Puns

The Boot Size

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered." Said the woman. "Just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Not My Problem...

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost 24 hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

I Want...

A drunk falls into a cab, gives the cabbie a $20 bill and bellows "I wanna get screwed." The cabbie dutifully drives him to the 'burbs and points out a town house. The drunk staggers up to the front door, bangs on it, and screams "I wanna get screwed!" A female voice answers, "Slip $100 under the door." The drunk pushes $100 under the door. Nothing happens. After a while the drunk bangs on the door again and screams "I wanna get screwed!" The female voice answers, "What? Again!?"

Puns

The Last Lifeline

Irish Bobby went to American for his dream to make a lot of money. Luck striking like lightning, he found himself invited to "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Many questions later and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million dollars, he has only one lifeline left - phone a friend. The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest? A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo" Bobby doesn't know so he calls his friend Billy. Billy answers 'by Christ Bobby, it's a cuckoo - 100%.' Bobby goes with the advice his friend gave him and indeed that answer wins the million dollars and he is so very happy. Afterward, Bobby rings Billy and asks him 'How the heck did you know that? You're no bird expert!' 'Bobby you're idiot," Said Billy, "What an easy question! He lives in a bloody clock, right?"

The Unexpected Guest

A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en-route home he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he wanted to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man! The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money: HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house on the lake. HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head in amazement, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?' The cabby replied, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'

What's Written On This One!?

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna" The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. "By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!"

Hair Puns

Golf Puns

Toilet Puns

Little Johnny and the Bullies

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it and so far, I've made $20!"

How to Raise Your Grade

A student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve." The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" "Fine, we'll leave it at 90." said the grinning student.

Hard to Hear

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. And do you know what?" "What?" asked the doctor. "I've changed my will three times!"

Funny Money Quotes

Funny Work Quotes

Weather Pick Up Lines

When Putin and Kim Jong-Un Meet

Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building. During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards. First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down." Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out. Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!" Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

A Telling Conversation...

Marriage is an exciting part of our life. The vows we made on our wedding day really did mean the world to us, and we thought the blessed joy of matrimony would never die. However, once we are married, that thrill does dip - let's be honest about it! The hilarious joke below makes this truth perfectly clear - read it top to bottom. When you're finished - read it bottom to top! Husband: At last! I can hardly wait! Wife: Do you want me to leave? Husband: No! Don't even think that. Wife: Do you love me? Husband: Of course! Always have and always will! Wife: Have you ever cheated on me? Husband: No! Why are you even asking? Wife: Will you kiss me? Husband: Every chance I get! Wife: Will you hit me? Husband: Hell no! Are you crazy?! Wife: Can I trust you? Husband: Yes. Wife: Oh my Darling! This was BEFORE the wedding. To see what happens AFTER the wedding, read from end (bottom) to start (top) ...

Pizza Puns

The Vet's Bill

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with an old dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

The Special Deal

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside. It reads: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh, this is kerosene!' Doctor: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Doctor: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Doctor: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Doctor: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.'

Irish Puns

France Puns

Rabbit Puns

Winter Puns

Here's Why, Rabbi!

An old Jewish tale tells of a pious man who, upon reaching the wise and esteemed age of 105, suddenly stopped going to temple. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these many years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105! So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me." "So?" the Rabbi asked indignantly. "So," whispered the man with a finger to his lips, "I don't want to remind him!"

Physics Puns

The Secret Box

An elderly pastor was searching in his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted to having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar."

Math Pick Up Lines

Crocodile Puns

Funny Self-love Quotes

One Liners and Short Jokes

Drunken Lies

A man has been drinking all day at a bar. Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock. "1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife's going to kill me," he says to the bartender. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder. At this point, he realizes this won't work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (blissfully sleeping) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly. "So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers." His wife starts nodding understandably: "Ah ha, makes sense." She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him: "Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, idiot."

Our Daily Chicken

Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor. "What can I do for you?" Said the Pope. The Colonel said, "Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and it isn't something I can just change the words for." So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up. After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responded, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news. The Pope replied: "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

The Angry Passenger

A man stepped onto the overnight train and asked to speak to the conductor. Upon meeting him, the passenger told the conductor, "I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I'm a deep sleeper and can be kinda grouchy when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here's $100 to make sure!" The conductor agreed and they shook hands. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York. Furious, he collared the conductor. "I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!" "Wow," another passenger said to his traveling companion. "Is that guy angry!" "Yeah," his companion replied. "Still... not half as angry as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia."

Hot Dog Puns

Animal Puns

A Blond Changes Hair Color

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A Touching Encounter

Walking through a supermarket, a young woman noticed an old lady following him around. She ignored her for a while, but when she got to the checkout line, she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said. “I’m sorry if I’ve been staring, but you look just like my daughter who died recently. “I’m sorry for your loss,” the young woman replied. “Is there anything I can do for you?” “Well, as I’m leaving, could you just say ‘Goodbye, mother!?’ It would make me feel so much better.” She gave her a sweet smile. “Of course I can,” the young woman promised, touched. As she gathered her bags and left, she called out “Goodbye, mother!” just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile. Stepping up to the counter, she saw that her total was about $100 higher than it should be. “That amount is wrong,” she said. “I only have a few items!” “Oh, your mother said that you'd pay for her.” explained the clerk.

They Unionized...

An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

The Booming Voice

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors. “I’m done for!” he cries in despair. “No you are NOT!” - comes a booming voice from all around him. “Listen carefully son, and do exactly what I say. Grab the spear from the man on your left use it to stab their chief in the heart.” The man grabbed the spear and in a strength born of panic he stabbed the chief, who collapses, dead. The remainder of the tribe stare at him in disbelief. You could hear a pin drop a 100 feet away. “Now what???” - the man asked the voice. And the booming voice answers: “NOW, my son, you’re done for.”

Gladiator Puns

Jokes For Women

Making a Point

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that fact. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. "I'm great!" She replies. "What are you doing?" "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are stupid. So I painted the house!" "That's wonderful, honey. Thank you!" He beams. "Just one question, though, "why are you wearing your ski jacket over your fur coat?" "Well, I wanted to be thorough, and the directions on the paint can say: "For best results, put on two coats.""

How to Use a Pawn Shop

Bill wandered into Max’s pawnshop and placed a coat on the counter. “How much will you give me for this?” Max checked the coat for a second. “$20, and that’s the best offer.” he replied. “But that coat is worth $100." argued Bill. Max was adamant. “$20 or nothing.” “Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Bill. “Positive. That's the best price you'll get for it.” “Okay,” said Bill. "Here’s $20. The coat was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.”

There's a New Bull in Town

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "Ahhhh... actually I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I.. I have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."

Poop Puns

The Young Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes. Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling: "You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little a**hole on your lap!"

The Obituary

Betsy and Dan were married for 25 years. They were famous for fighting and generally disliking each other. One the 26th year Dan had a heart attack and died. A few days later Betsy walks into the local newspaper's office and asks to post an obituary. The Ad Editor informs her, "We can do 4 lines with a maximum of 80 words for $100". "Nah." She says, "That's a a lot of money and he didn't do much. What else you got?" "Ok," Says the editor awkwardly. "We can do 3 lines and a maximum of 25 words for $35." "Nope, still too expensive..." She grimaces. "What else ya got?" Flustered, the ad man wants to get her out the door and tells her, "We have the economy options - 2 lines, 5 words max, $5." She agrees. So he fills out the order and asks, "okay, what do you want it to say?" She thinks for a moment and then says: "Dan's dead. Car for sale."

The Animal Comedy Competition

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated. The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: A joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you can stay, but if he does not, you are banished. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half. All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came. All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing. He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down... ...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again. It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act. The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went berserk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art. Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away. At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait. It was then than the bison was called. He lumbered up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to fail He hesitated, stuttered, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom. The joke, was it even a joke? was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion. Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?" "What Bison?" replied the tortoise. "I was laughing at the zebra's joke!"

What You're Entitled to

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

The Prison Numbers

A man is sent to prison for the first time. The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing. "Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?" "Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it." Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?" "You didn't tell it right."

Running Away From a Cop.

A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer, and walked away.

Anti Pick Up Lines

The Prejudiced Juror

A man wanted to be dismissed from jury duty, but none of his excuses worked. So on the day of the trial, he asked to approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant." "Oh?" the judge asked. "Yes!" the man replied. "I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's 100% guilty.' So, your Honor, I couldn't possibly be on this jury!" The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are seeking--a good judge of character." The man protested, "How can you say that?" "Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."

A Bar, An Empty Glass and Two Audacious Bets

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “You see that glass at the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 that I can pee in it from over here.” The barman agrees to the bet, so the man begins to urinate all over the bar, its patrons and even the barman himself – basically everywhere except in the glass. “Ha!” says the barman. “You owe me $100!” “Wait here,” the man replies, and he walks over to the pool table. Someone hands him some money and they have a laugh together. The man walks back over to the barman and hands him $100. “Thanks,” the barman says, “but what were you laughing about with that dude over there?” The man replies: “Oh, nothing. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”

One Liners for Kids

How to Stand Up For Yourself

A man was in a bar with his buddies, recounting the events of the previous week. It was payday the previous Friday, so he had decided to stay out with his friends for a spot of drinking. An evening out turned into a whole weekend of partying, and he only returned home on Sunday night, to bear his wife's inevitable wrath. “My wife wasn’t too pleased that I didn’t show up for a whole weekend,” he said. “What did she say to you?” asked his buddies. “Well, she just nagged for what seemed like an eternity, then at one point, she asked me how I’d like it if I didn’t see her for two or three days,” he replied. “And what did you say?” they asked. “I told her it would be fine by me!” “So did she leave?” "Well no, she didn’t leave, but the joke’s on her. On the third day, my left eye opened up a little bit."

Christmas Puns

The DC Politician and the Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.

A Cadilac With Everything

A few decades ago, a man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille." "What features does it have?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Funny Parenting Quotes

Clothes Pick Up Lines

Revenge of the Blonde

A blonde woman was sick and tired of all the unfair jokes about blondes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Texas?" "T!" she answered.

The Weird Traffic Jam

It's been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home. Living in Washington D.C, he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he could have anticipated. Bewildered, since he hadn't heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down and then driving off. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!" "Oh my gosh!" exclaimed John. "And they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom." "Jeez Louise!" moaned John. "Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!" "Lord have mercy!" cried John. "We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" asked John. "About a gallon."

Funny Aging Quotes

An Ounce of Brain

A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant. A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford." "Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, first there's engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce." The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?" The doctor turns to him and says "Sir, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?"

Snow Puns

Monster Puns

She Wants Me

A quarrel broke out between a man and a woman while traveling for dinner at a restaurant. They quarreled almost all the way and just before they arrived, the wife said to the husband: "You are very lucky to have me, no other normal woman will want you!". The frustrated husband decided to prove to his wife that she was wrong and find women who would be interested in him already during dinner. The hostess who led them to the table smiled at the husband endlessly, laughed at his jokes and even offered to take his coat, so of course as soon as she left he turned to his wife with a triumphant look on her face. "Don't get too excited, it's just her job and she's married too." "How do you know?" "Because I saw a ring on her finger." A short time later the husband had to go to the bathroom, and on his way back he collided with the chair of a woman sitting alone at a nearby table. He apologized, ordered her a drink at his expense, talked to her for a few moments and sat down with his wife again. "Just so you know, she invited me to sit down for a drink with her!" "Don't get too excited, she's probably half blind." "How do you know?" "Because I saw her enter the restaurant with a walking stick." After a few minutes a waitress went to the table and as she took the order from the couple it was obvious that she was staring at her husband and flirting with him. "Here! You see?!" He said to his wife after the waitress left, "There are normal women who want me!" "Don't be an idiot, she has corona." "How do you know?" "Because if she's interested in you then she has no sense of taste!"

Tea Puns

Heart Puns

The Golfer and the Grateful Leprechaun

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got ol' Paddy here fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And then he just walks off. "Wow, what a nice guy!" the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic love life." A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer says cheerfully. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer love life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm just wanting to know if I did a good job here. How many times a week do ya do the deed?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."