If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render