A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.
"All right, lets make this quick, I have things to do. Says the bored agent. "What's your talent?"
The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it."
He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the agent.
"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question."
He turns to the dog again and asks, "How does sandpaper feel?"
"Rough!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here." sighs the agent.
"One more chance," pleads the man.
Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
The man turns to the agent with a bright smile.
"Okay, that's it!" says the agent. He gets up and forces the man and the dog out the door.
Turning to the man, the dogs sighs and says:
"Joe Dimaggio?"
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”
Years ago, the CIA, the Mossad and the KGB were tasked to find a rabbit in a dense forest as a friendly competition between agencies.
The CIA, returns with a rabbit in 24 hours, explaining that they'd used an array of satellites pinpointing the location of the rabbit in record time.
The Mossad returns with a rabbit in 48 hours, stating that they'd used a network of informants and ground operatives to locate the rabbit with a fraction of the cost.
The KGB agents return after 5 days with a giant bear.
Surprised and bemused, the other parties laugh and say to the KGB that they were supposed to bring back a rabbit!
The KGB agents replied: "This is a rabbit, ask it for yourself if you don't believe us."
As they all turn towards the bear.
The bear glances at the KGB agents fearfully and says: "I'm a rabbit."
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came into his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me... Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
~ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
~ Filming in cemetery angers residents
~ Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
~ Crash courses for private pilots
~ Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
~ Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
~ Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
~ 30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
~ Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
~ Miners Refuse To Work After Death
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied, "I'm an IRS agent."
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money - it was $50,000!
The husband said: "We've got to give it back". "Finders keepers!" his wife said, and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
"No." She said.
The husband said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She said: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: "We're outta here!"
A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.
"That would be me." replied the rancher.
A father is lecturing his son about the importance of a good education.
“Dad, what’s the difference between a man with a college degree and a man without?” Said the son.
“Well son,” said the father, “you can perform the same job but the outcome will vary depending if you have a college degree or not!”
“How so?” Asked the Son
“You see, if you rob a man without a college degree you will be prosecuted as a criminal and sent to jail”.
“What if I rob a man after I received a college degree?” Asked the son
“In that case they will address you as Special Agent of the IRS.”
An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, MI6 and KGB.
The MI6 team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later.
"As far as we can determine, the remains are about 600,000 years old."
Not to be outdone by the MI6, the CIA goes in and comes out about 8 hours later.
"The remains are approximately 615,550 years old. This is what we have been able to determine with our superior forensics technology."
Before the CIA is even done giving their report, the 2 man KGB team is already making their way towards the cave with nothing but a gym bag one of them is holding.
They enter the cave and make their way towards the remains. Soon after, sounds of shouting, swearing and banging start coming out of the cave and they don't let up for 2 whole days. When the KGB forensics team finally leaves the cave, they are dirty and disheveled, their clothes ripped and their tools are damaged.
"So, the remains are 623,118 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days old."
Amazed and dumbfounded, the archeologists and other forensics teams ask how they could possible determine the age of the remains to such an exact date.
The KGB agents look knowingly at each other and one of them says:
"He confessed."
An old man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried my weapons.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any weapons, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They brought them in and starting running exams on their skills. They passed all with flying colors. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her.'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last one, a woman, was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some joker loaded the gun with blanks,' he panted. 'I had to do it the hard way.'
It's Soviet Russia, 1978, and Rabinovich is woken up by a knock on the door.
Rabinovich: "Who's there?"
A firm voice responds: "Post office. Please open."
Rabinovich opens the door and is unsurprised to find Two KGB agents standing there. One of them is holding an envelope.
KGB officer 1: "Tell us, Comrade Rabinovich, what is the best government system in the world?"
Rabinovich: "Why, Communism."
KGB officer 2: "And what country has the best living standards?"
Rabinovich: "The Soviet Union, of course."
Officer 1: "And what constitution is the best at protecting the rights of the citizens?"
Rabinovich: "The Soviet Constitution, Comrades."
Officer 2: "Then do you mind explaining to us, Comrade Rabinovich, why you have recently filed a request to emigrate to France?"
Rabinovich: "Well, I heard that over there, they don't deliver the mail in the middle of the night."
man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat." replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
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