If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Ants in your plants.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Seed between the lines.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
It’s party thyme.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Don’t moss around.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
I’m rooting for you!
Herb your enthusiasm.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
I’m kind of a big dill.