It was mitten in the stars.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Look for a rainbow connection.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
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