I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
I beg your garden?
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
I beg your garden?
I’ll never leaf you.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Seed between the lines.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
That’s a bit mulch.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Leaf me alone.
Your good seed for the day.
Your good weed for the day.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Have you botany plants lately?
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Herb your enthusiasm.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
We’re mint to be.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.