I’ll never leaf you.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
I’m kind of a big dill.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
I beg your garden?
In on the ground flora.
Your good weed for the day.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Ants in your plants.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
You’re unbeleafable.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Leaf me alone.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
One more thyme.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
In the eyes of the lawn.
I’m very frond of you.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.