Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Trowel and error.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Ants in your plants.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
We’re mint to be.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I’m rooting for you!
All clover the world.
All things must grass.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Herb your enthusiasm.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
In on the ground flora.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
It’s party thyme.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.