Leaf me alone.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
I’m very frond of you.
Have you botany plants lately?
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
That’s a bit mulch.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Let me plant one on ya!
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
In on the ground flora.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
One trick peony.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I beg your garden?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
In the eyes of the lawn.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.