Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Your good seed for the day.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Long thyme no see.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Trowel and error.
Have you botany plants lately?
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
You’re unbeleafable.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
I beg your garden?
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.