I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
You’re unbeleafable.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
I beg your garden?
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Don’t moss around.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Your good weed for the day.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
One trick peony.
We’re mint to be.
Long thyme no see.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Your good seed for the day.
That’s a bit mulch.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.