I’m very frond of you.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
That’s a bit mulch.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
I’m rooting for you!
Long thyme no see.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
All clover the world.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Ants in your plants.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Your good seed for the day.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
It’s party thyme.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Don’t moss around.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.