What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
It’s party thyme.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I beg your garden?
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
I beg your garden?
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
I’ll never leaf you.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Ants in your plants.
You’re unbeleafable.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
In the eyes of the lawn.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Your good seed for the day.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!