Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Your good weed for the day.
Long thyme no see.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
It’s party thyme.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
One more thyme.
We’re mint to be.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
All things must grass.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I’m very frond of you.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
All clover the world.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Let me plant one on ya!
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.