Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Your good seed for the day.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I’m rooting for you!
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Leaf me alone.
Don’t moss around.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
I’m kind of a big dill.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
I’m very frond of you.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.