What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I beg your garden?
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Trowel and error.
Don’t moss around.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
All things must grass.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Leaf me alone.
We’re mint to be.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
I beg your garden?
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
One trick peony.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
It’s party thyme.
In the eyes of the lawn.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Let me plant one on ya!