I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Your good weed for the day.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
One more thyme.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
I beg your garden?
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
All clover the world.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Ants in your plants.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
In the eyes of the lawn.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Long thyme no see.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
One trick peony.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.