A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Don’t moss around.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I’m kind of a big dill.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
I’m very frond of you.
Have you botany plants lately?
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Long thyme no see.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
That’s a bit mulch.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Trowel and error.