Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
Keep calm and leprech-on.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.