We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
I get a real kick out of you.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.