Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.