Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.