A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
I always have a souper time with you.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.