What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
Snow thank you.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.