So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
"Back that glass up."
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Who’s your paddy?
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.