What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Prepare to be bowled over.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
I get a real kick out of you.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
After all is sled and done.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Tis the sea-sun.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.