How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
You're acute Valentine.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Shell yeah.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!