Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
He threw three free throws.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.