Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
"No body won the skeleton race."
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Metaphors be with you.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.