What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
I beg your garden?
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.