I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
"Be kind, re-wine."
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
It’s a beautiful Degas!
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
You’re my pot of gold.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.