If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
It's ice to meet you.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Pugs and kisses.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"