[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light