What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Cell phones are a static symbol.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Bad spelling makes me sic.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.