I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.