Let’s make some pour decisions.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
We bee-long together.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.