I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Your good weed for the day.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Summer is just floating by.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
This foundation is rock salad.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.