Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Summer is just floating by.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.