What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Something’s goat to give.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Fairies just spell trouble.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table