I’m establishing my punning game early today.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.