I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.