I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
"Aloe you vera much."
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.