The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.