A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
We bee-long together.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.