Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
You snooze. You booze.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.