The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
"Here for the right riesling."
By the seat of one’s punt
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.