I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.