What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
“Feliz navi-dog!”
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
I hope for world peas.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.