I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Shave a single shingle thin.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.