Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Snow on and snow forth.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
More candles means a bigger wish!
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near