Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
I’m rooting for you!
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
We’re mint to be.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Time to celery-brate.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.