What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
I'm the life of the paddy.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
"Say you'll be wine."
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
I’m very frond of you.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"