I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
"I lava you."
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
I wood never leaf you.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.