What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I read dead people.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.