If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
We make a great pear
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
Let’s get elf-ed up.