What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
"I need to re-wine my life."
Your good seed for the day.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
You snow the drill.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!